


Thorchestra

by lucydwrites



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M, Other, rupaul's drag race season 8, thorcid - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-23 17:29:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15611358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucydwrites/pseuds/lucydwrites
Summary: A recollection of memories through Thorgy's teenage years, season 8 of Drag Race lost footage, Nightgowns and other moments that lead to his dream finally happening.





	1. The Melody

Shane listens to  Brahms and feels like the the vibration lines of his mind finally align. He’s 14. He is eager to finish high school and feels isolated. He was such a communicative and expansive child he doesn’t know why he is this reducted version of  himself, the stereotypical sad teen, listening to progressive doom metal bands and practicing until his fingers are bleeding.

He’s not what he used to be. 

His body grows so much and got so long and awkward he is the tallest in his classroom. He has some good friends but most of the time he is the band weirdo or a complete ghost. He likes better the fisrt choice.

The schoolband rehearsal room is empty, it’s way past after the bell rang and the janitor is checking out through the door glass again if he is finished practicing but he fucked up the same note again. He grunts frustrated, his eyes watering in frustration. His thick black hair is all messy and he removes his glasses, rubbing his tired eyes. 

Sometimes he swears the notes on the sheets are skipping positions and laughing at his despair. Maybe he isn’t just not talented. His parents are so supportive and patient, and they do try fix whatever is wrong with his mind. They believe he is special but he feels like a fraud ready to be debunked.

He puts the violin down and a terrible pain in his tendon goes through his arm. His neck is stiff and with a purple bruise that looks like a hickey. He only have kissed girls in _Truth or Dare_ games and a boy, a neighbor from a couple of blocks away his house. It was dark and the blonde boy with a face covered with freckles asked him to not tell anyone and he never talked to him again. 

He must be the worst kisser in the world.

 

*

 

Thorgy  is nervous. 

That’s no new information but the girls seem to finally notice that he is a ticking bomb imploding quietly all the time. He has a second choice for the Madonna look but the minute the producer said he couldn’t change his look anymore he felt like he was going to throw up. All the girls are wearing fucking Kimonos. _Of course_. This is a fucking nightmare.

Acid has been his anchor for better or for worse. Jamin sure could be impatient and negative with the other girls but he has been willing to listen to his rambling and helping him focus, especially the last week of filming. He says he isn't sure about Nancy Grace and hates Snatch Game. He is very calm today and his Madonna look is quite genius. There’s something about his cool exterior that makes Thorgy wonder if today is his friend swansong. 

They are styling their wigs together and Ru is shoooting with the other girls. They comment shady things about how she directs the conversation the way he thinks it’s gonna have stupid puns for TV in the midst of keeping a poker face. 

Thorgy has been silent for too long, caught in the events of what might happen. Acid loves Michael Jackson too and they are talking about what’s their favorite music video. Acid loves _Scream_ and _Thriller_ but Thorgy can’t decide as a good gemini. He does have the choreography of _Remember The Time_ narrowed down but Acid doesn't buy and demands proof after the show.

The concept that they would still be friends after the show is so weird.

Sure, they knew each other, from good causual Ki Ki friends to drunk making out in a bathroom stall, but now there's a new tense.The after Drag Race. He wonders what is will change. 

“Jesus, I can feel you overthinking” Acid interrupts his stream of thoughts  finishing cutting the hair of his Nancy Drew wig. Thorgy chuckles exasparated as of he was caught in the act. “The wig is fine. I can see you making a very decent, Michael. Just leave it for gay's sake” Acid reasures him tired of seeing him trying to fix Michael’s wig but there was nothing to fix anymore.

Thorgy deep sighs relieved as he can breath again after Acid pulling him out of his own mind.

*

Jamin says that Brooklyn doesn’t accept Acid Betty. 

Shane sees Jamin, and not Acid Betty. He remembers the first time he’s seen Acid Betty and how she owned the whole damn club by just being there. An unworldly fierce creature. Thorgy definitely worked his butt off to be a certified founding mother of the Brooklyn scene, but Acid has always been there. Unapologetic and feisty. 

They are side by side because they always dress up together and Thorgy only realizes this magnetism that now. Jamin feels comfortable to be vulnerable next to him and he almost freezes.

“There’s certain definitions of drag, and I’m put in it as _the look queen_ ”. I’ve had fights with those people where they’re like, “ _Oh, you’re not a drag queen, you just do looks_ ” he continues to explain why he feels so alone and Thorgy needs to focus on finishing his make up, but he feels his heart dropping.

“Yes, um-hum."

He feels awful for not knowing what to say because usually he is the vunerable one. But he needs to be a better friend.

 

“I know what you're saying and I'm sorry. You see, I don't get that? Dressing up the way you do it's art, it's a political act, it's drag! They forget that when you started-

“A very loooooong time ago” Acid adds powdering even more his white face in his deep monotone voice. Thorgy chuckles and drops his brush down stop to give full attention to him.

“I mean, when _you_ started, when _I_ started, there was no difference. We just did whatever we felt like. And you felt like being this fucking punk colorful alien creature. But nowadays, everything needs to fit in because people would go fucking insane if they don’t categorize something”

“And I don’t fit in anywhere” Jamin adds still not very persuated.

Shane is ready to change his mind.

“Acid Betty will never fit in. And you better never try to.” Thorgy cuts him before self deprecation hits and Jamin smiles closing his eyes. Thanking him with a silent nod of okay, I will take your compliment.  “Like, I can see the sparkle that I saw the first time I saw you...do you even remember?” 

“Of course I do. We had a dance off. _Promiscuous Girl_ playing. I was like this crazy bitch clown is giving me a run for my money…”

Shane giggles quite shocked that Jamin actually remembers. When their laugh fades into concentration they continue the makeup process with the producers walking around and rushing everyone. Shane gets trailed off by Jamin’s naked torso while does his brows, he definitely was working out a lot before Drag Race.

“You know, people really don’t know how fucking crazy this is. And how fabricated everything can be. Are the producers asking you all these random shit?” he speaks and Shane looks away quickly.

“YES, oh my god, it’s so weird”

“Anyways, I don’t want to complain about this amazing experience. In the great scheme of things…” he pauses wondering if he was being fabricated too, so he decides to be honest. “I think this show is a great plattaform, though, because it kinda shows that we do something more than just stand around and serve booze.”

“Yup” Thorgy agrees and hears a lot of fuzz with the girls in the background. Time is running out. _Ding, ding, ding._

“You know, I do all these shows and make all these things, but I’m also a musician. What I really wanna do is like, do a grand event like Thorgy and The Thorchestra”

“Fabulous” Jamin agrees legitimately happy to hear about his dream, even pausing the process of applying the brush on his crease to listen, so he feels excited to talk more. 

“A 40 piece orchestra and I want to conduct in drag. It’s a throwback to events where you dressed up just to get on the red carpet” he explains already seeing the picture. The whole theater packed, sold out and people holding the show’s brochure curious about what there were going to see.

“I love that” Jamin utters sucking on his cheek so he can apply blush on the spot where his bone is more pointed. 

Thorgy just feels so happy and proud. Every time he presents this idea people always give him this condescendent look of this is sweet but it’s never going to happen, because classical music and the gay scene isn’t exactly a mix people visualize immediately. 

“Thank you for not looking at me like I’m saying something impossible and I’m crazy”

Jamin scoffs like it’s nothing, even if it makes Shane’s heart feel at ease. He needs to say more.

“No, really thank you for helping me here. You seem like the only person that can stand me when I'm going all over the place"

He is still not very touched by Shane’s confession and he interrupts him before it gets too emotional or too weird.

“Oh don’t get me wrong, it must be the tons of makeup on my face now that is hard to read my actual expressions but I think  you’re crazy and you annoy me” Jamin sharply comes back to his bitchy persona, collecting his makeup to come back to his station. Shane rolls his eyes knowing that it was too good to be true. 

He continues his make up in silence. 

Before leaving Acid comes back and whispers in Shane’s ear getting him a little jumpy.

“But The Thorchestra is not impossible” he says almost touching Shane’s earlobe making him shiver and smiling shyly. He watches Jamin going back to his station, removing his studded black jacket, ready to be Acid Betty again maybe one more time on that runaway.

Later, when Thorgy sees Acid before she leaves the stage gracefully and he is holding back his tears, he remembers that the first thing Jamin told him that morning was that _The power of Good-Bye_ was the first one in his shuffle. 

He loves brunette Madonna.

*

It’s a very hot night and in New York hot days are suffocating with the city’s pollution.  Jamin is not a fan of heat unless you’re in a beach. Shane texts him saying that the rehearsal is finished and that he is starving and about to die. Jamin knows that Shane is a hungry man and since he had been dancing in the studio where Miz Jade works the whole afternoon he probably is serious as a heart attack. 

He drives far, but has his favorite chinese food and he texts Davon, mostly recognized as boy Miz Jade, if he wants something too, but he knows he is very specific about food, so he passes down the offer. It's a well-known fact that Shane and Jamin can eat anything that is presented to them.

Jamin parks close to the building in Greenpoint and when he goes upstairs he already can hear the music from outside, and there are only few dancers in the hall. He stops at the right room, cheks the number Shane told him and catches a glimpse of his boyfriend dancing in the middle of the room, Davon sitting in the back of the mirrored place probably judging his feet.

Shane is an amazing dancer, one more talent to his infinite collection, but his feet would always give away that his not actually a professional dancer. He is performing in _Nightgown_ s in two days and has been nervous about it the whole week. He recognizes the song from Alicia Keys playing.

Shane slept in Jamin’s apartament the beginning of the week so this is his process of learning a new lypsinc song: sleeping with  headphones on with the song on repeat. Jamin has learned it by default, the piano notes and Alicia’s soothing voice were still echoing in Jamin’s head just by listening Shane’s loud headphones, nuzzling on his neck in their slumber.

The door is half open so he enters and Shane stops dancing, he is all sweaty and his face is red, his dreads are all up in a bun. He is wearing an old oversized striped shirt and black boxers. No shoes on of course. He smiles at Jamin and mostly at the bag with food he is holding. 

Davon stops the music from the loudspeakers on the floor and stands up to greet Jamin.

“Grandma is doing really good. I think she will not embarrass herself. I think she is good to go” Davon reports with his backpack on shoulders while Shane pretends he is not listening to his feedback and grabbing Jamin’s bag to check the food and when he sees the shop suey and french fries with sauce he is very satisfied. 

“Ugh, I love you!” he pulls Jamin’s neck to a quick peck on his lips. He tastes salty but his lips are very soft and lucious. 

Davon makes a disgusted face with the scene. He is used with them being a couple but he hates chinese food.

“Good! He told me he did all by himself. But you as a good daughter needs to check upon your mother” he replies watching Shane taking the bag away and sitting on the floor, coasting on the mirror wall.

Danon rolls eyes and laughs just nodding a goodbye.

"Kirk is texting me asking how she is. Thorgy, answer your goddamn phone" she warns before leaving them and Thorgy just nods with a full mouth waving him goodbye.

Jamin is wearing sweatpants and and a white sleeveless shirt with “CROWD PLEASER” written on it that always makes Shane’s laugh because it’s so stupid. He  joins him on the floor and he is eating the shop suey with the chopsticks and legs crossed. He watches him eating like he mean it, his dirty feet and the small tree tattoo he has between his toes. 

They don’t see each other enough as always, so it always feels like every little thing Shane does is precious. Maybe he is just too damn in love with this man or maybe he is this fascinating creature. His lips are glistening with the brown sauce and some of it spills on his shirt.

“Oh fuck” he utters noticing but then shrugs and giggles. Jamin shakes his head. “I know, I never looked better, you're so lucky to have me”

Jamin just sighs and smiles.

He thinks Shane is the most beautiful men he’s ever seen.

But let’s not get too sappy, Jamin. Control yourself. 

“So how was it? Can I finally sleep with no Alicia Keys playing on my ear?”

“I think it’s good. I mean, it’s simple. Maybe it’s bullshit. I mean, I could get crazy and rip my dick off on stage and throw it to the audience but I just felt like...that’s what they’re expecting from Thorgy, right?”

“Is it?” Jamin asks not exactly sure.

“You know what I mean, bitch. Like they know I’m a clown and my numbers are completely ridiculous, they don’t expect me to do this sensitive and elegant modern dance number”

Jamin seems not convinced at all but doesn't say anything.

“Shut up” he replis anyways to his expressions annoyed and put down the food box.

“I mean, I’m down!” he tries to explain himself laughing. “Hey, I’m glad you’re not into the dick ripping off option because I really like your dick”

Shane rolls eyes but can't keep not being amused for too long and giggles.

“Do you wanna see the beginning? You and Miz Jade are dance snobs having the audacity to drag my feet position but I’m a gazelle in my movements and that’s what matters” he says standing up and searching the song on his phone again.

He gets in position to start and tries to keep a straight face staring at Jamin but struggles a lot. When the piano notes starts and skips across the room moving his arms gracefully and throwing himself on the floor and feeling the words of the song. Jamin finds awkward at the begininng but as Shane tunes in he finds extremely sexy. His hary toned legs tensing up, his arched back against the flooor...he is hypnotized. He is very graceful indeed and so statuesque. What a talented bean. Shane keeps eye contact with him, he pretends like he is moving an invisible skirt and stops busrting into laughter.

“It’s so stupid without the skirt, I can’t” 

He joins Jamin again on the floor, sitting next to him and Jamin just wants to kiss him. 

And so he does.

But Shane wasn’t quite expecting that. He softly chuckles while Jamin kisses his teeth and lowers to his neck. 

“What do you think?” he whispers while Jamin pulls him closer by the waist, Jamin pushing back so he can lean on the mirror and Shane straddles him. He is still expecting Jamin’s answer but he is busy kissing the other side of his neck. He stops to finally reply.

“It’s great. Like everything you do.” he simply realizes. Shane is not so convinced.

“You’re saying this with your hands on my ass” 

Jamin’s hands were really on fully grabbing both sides. _Oops._

“I mean, be careful to not get too repetitive. Try to change the moves often and explore the whole stage. If you fuck it up, it’s moden dance, right?” he gives a proper feedback, even with Shane’s musk still lingering his lips and he is devilishly grinding on his crotch and putting his hands around his shoulders.

“Hmmmm” Shane is suddenly not interested anymore in his reply and starts kissing, and licking the side of his jaw, planing soft kisses and rubbing his nose on Jamin's scruff. Even with the music still on he hears people talking on the hall. They are in a dance school for heaven’s sake and Davon’s students kids were passing the halls minutes ago. 

“Let’s go home before we get banned from dance school” he finally is aware of where the hell he is and with the last ounce of willpower he taps on the side of Shane’s thigh that he needs to hop out of him, he laughs at the “alarmed” state he always leaves Jamin but doens't move.

“How long has it been since the last time we fucked in public...or at all?” Shane tries to remember giving up of his sensual bravata. 

Their schedules are crazy again, mostly Shane’s to be accurate and their last attempts of sex ended up with both of them falling asleep or getting to distracted in conversation. 

“I haven’t being in my greatest sex drive and…I’ve been so focused with The Thorchestra happening and I’ve been more terribly self-centered than usual and-” and  he looks down at himself and touches the sauce stains on his shirt. “You must be tired of me. I am tired of me...aren't you?"

Jamin was caught by surprised how the conversation escalated to that, Shane probably was feeling like that for weeks. It's not the first time he asks him that, bit with this defeated intonation it was the first. He is not insecure, he is just legitimaly asking shy he still wants him because he still feels like he doesn't deserve love. Like he needs to be trimmed, fixed.

“I'm tired...of this heat. Of this country politics. Never...I mean, almost never of you. You are a really good kisser, have I ever tell you that? Because when you do wear me off I feel like lacking and want you again."

Shane smiles relieved shaking his head, he looks peaceful and drowsy.

"And you’re feeling bad for focusing on your lifetime dream and not having time for your  boyfriend that completely understands the situation ? And the last time was on the plane. We didn’t fuck, but you sucked the life out of me with that sinful mouth of yours”

Shane laughs covering his face recalling. Shane’s head under the covers going up and down, the swallowing noises and the image of the flight attendant still haunting Jamin. 

“We were nasty girls” he recalls feeling nostalgic pressing a hand on Jamin’s chest. 

“Just because we aren’t humping like crazy whores that just got out of prison doesn’t mean I want you any less. And there will be no sleeping tonight” he demands slapping Shane’s ass and he raises his brow excitedly. 

Jamin gets up feeling like the temperature in the room raised one hundred degrees. Shane is travelling after Nightgowns to Canada for a week for the rehearsals of the Thorchestra. He’s back to the floor eating from the box and moaning with pleasure sucking the noodles.

“This is so good...I think I did good, right?”

Jamin nods rolling eyes and laughs. This worry wart never rests. He picks up his things. 

Shane is happy, fed and loved. That’s all that matters.  
  



	2. The Beat

The theater at the Dal Arts Centre is empty.

It’s early in the morning and Shane hasn’t slept at all. How do you sleep when your dream is already there? What’s the peak after that? These are worries he needs to postpone. He reviews all the show’s script over and over again the last night, there are observations and parts highlighted and his mind is spiraling so hard it's like Dorothy inside the hurricane.

But this is definitely not Kansas anymore.

His family is going to be there. Jamin is coming, even if he is going to stay just to watch the show and leave since there’s Mr(s) BK contest the next day and he is taking care of the whole setting as usual. Who would ever guess a couple years ago? Acid Betty. The reigning queen of Brooklyn. 

His father is in New York and he is coming with him. Jamin is nervous because he never spent that much time with Shane’s dad, or any time at all longer than greetings on FaceTime. They are completely different in every way but they do share an appreciation of being reclusive, stupid puns and knowing exactly when Shane is bullshiting. 

He is in his dressing room waiting for Kirk to arrive. He checks Jamin’s last messages on his phone once again. 

**Jamin: I checked out Halifax places to visit...it’x quite lovely. I’m thinking about making my Canadian green card come true * naughty emoji  face with the tongue out***

**Shane: We can stay for a day to see the beaches, drink some Bloody Marys and remake the Wicked Game music video. How about that? *wink emoji face***

**Jamin: I’m moved that you used an actual emoji. I pass the Bloody Mary, my stomach still feels weird. I think I’m anxious for you. It finally got me. But I’m down for the remake.**

Shane gets distracted with Kirk and never replies him back. The filming crewwill be there in few minutes. He checks himself in the mirror, he looks tired with bags under his eyes but he is wearing a cute outfit: a tiger printed caramel shirt matching with caramel pants and a fuchsia oversized blazer he found in a vintage store there.

He needs a memento. Pink isn’t his favorite color but he feels good and Thorgy is going to be stunning i n it. 

*

Jamin never realized show Shane takes a lot from his father. They both have loud and contagious laughter. He is a nice man. Never treats him like who-is-this-old-dude-trying-to- steal his precious son. Although he does tell him that he’d always thought Shane would end up marrying Alvaro. Jamin can’t help but thinking how that marriage would be. It would be a bloodbath.

When they get in Halifax they part ways. The family is going to meet Shane only at the theater a little before the show but Jamin plans do surprise him before. He doesn’t want to distract him at all. But he can’t help to drop by. He gets in the hotel where Shane and Kirk are staying and checks in. He is sharing room with Kirk tonight so Jamin is in the room next to them, they will probably stay the whole night talking about the good and the bad and what’s there to fix for the second night perfomance.

The city smells like the ocean wants to embrace you gently. 

Jamin gets to the theater at the end of the rehearsals, the  band is still playing when he spots Shane from afar. It looks like they are playing a version of _Vogue._ He is wearing a caramel combo and in sparkly pumps with a huge fan, Kirk filming him from behind, probably making footage to feed his social media since he is not the one. 

They don’t see him and he finds the backstage. He introduces himself to some of the musicians, Daniel, the maestro was expecting for him. He talks a bit with them and some of the musicians and goes to Shane's dressing room. It’s not a secret anymore that Acid Betty and Thorgy Thor are the first couple to rise from Drag Race so people treat him like he is an extension of Thorgy now. They smile sweetly at him and shake his hand like he's accomplishing something. 

Kirk is there. She greets him excitedly and talks about how Shane is going bananas as the same amount he is bursting with happiness. In the dressing room she is listening to _St. Vincent_ , because his boyfriend and assistent are obsessed with her lately. 

“I’m going to leave you two alone just for 10 minutes. That’s all I can give you, sir” she warns picking up her bag. She is taking off a beautiful tartan suit thatis covered in stones and a rainbow glow.

Jamin is there alone with Anne Clark’s haunting voice. He looks at the beautifully made costumes, he remembers the process of Shane choosing all of them and now it’s there. All his blood, sweat, tears and whiskey. It began as _Shanenigans_ and now it’s all very serious. He really made it. Even after getting fucked over by Drag Race over and over again.

Shane is there. He draws a smile brighter than he’s ever seen when he realizes Jamin is not part of the decoration and his wonderings. Jamin realizes that he did accomplish something. 

This man in front of him.

Jamin is wearing his finest _I don’t have any clean clothes_ collection, an old gray sweater and his galaxy pants. A black beanie on because his hair is tameless these days. But Shane manages to pull off that outfit and he is not wearing his glasses, he looks so damn cute it’s insane.  He opens his arms to hug Jamin, he is taller because he is wearing heels  and Jamin wraps his arms around him. Shane cups his face just utterly moved that he is there.

“I still can’t believe that I have all this happiness in my hands. That my hands and my arms brought it” he says looking at Jamin’s face, his tiny greenish eyes sparking somehow blue. 

St. Vincent’s _Slow Dance disco_ is playing and it's the orchestral version, and without them being aware of it, they are dancing to the song. Jamin leading Shane. 

“Your dad told me on the plane...that when you started playing the violin, you were like six? And you actually tried to make one out of wood and stole some old strings of your music teacher's violin, replacing them with barbed wire. What a little devil”

Shane laughs as the memories were rising while Jamin tells one of his tales. He was an impossible child, but for his surprise, a possible adult. They still rock to the song just looking at each other. They don’t need to say that much. 

_ Slip my hand from your hand _

_ Leave you dancin' with a ghost _

_ Slip my hand from your hand _

_ Leave you dancin' with a ghost _

Kirks knocks on the door and they part their embrace and she enters the room. She looks at them hesitating because she is used to the fact they are always all over each other.

“Betty, I need to kidnap her for an urgent and higher cause”

Shane nods and pouts. They are still holding hands until the last minute.

“See you later. Break all the fucking legs” he wishes before their fingers disconnect. 

*

The fans are mesmerized and Jamin is one of them. The show is beyond words. Not because he loves him, but because he loves his mind and his artistry and uniqueness. He can’t wait for Shane to take the world. Sharing him is the only way fair.

Some fans notices his presence  and ask for pictures but most of people are just hypnotized with Thorgy as he is.

The pain he’s been feeling the couple days was slowly growing, silently. But as all adulthood pains, and specially Drag pains Jamin chose to ignore it. It grows the whole night but he just pretends it’s not there. 

Until it bursts and takes over him. 

*

 

After the show Thorgy is talking to the audicence still in the hall area but the pain is so sharp in his navel he can’t even walk anymore. He feels cold, his vision fading to black.  He is walking down the stairs and Shane’s dad and sister are a little bit ahead, he is too weak to go back. People probably are noticing his wobbling walk and some of them approach him. 

“Are you alright?” 

He sees a blurry vision of a blond woman in front of him and Shane’s dad looking back, his face swifting from pure joy to worry and he sees Jamin’s sick face.

 

*

Death has always been a part of Shane’s life.

He jokes about it. He says he is forever in a episode of _Six Feet Under_. After Jamin’s death everything was upside down. Like his life needed to restart again. Drag Race is on a hiatus. It gets everyone out of guard and takes the ground out of his feet.

Who dies after a stomach ache?  Apparently anyone if an ulcer erodes deep enough into the lining of your stomach and it erodes into a blood vessel. When he gets to the hospital he is already in the surgery room. The next day he is just not there anymore. The last time he sees him they are slow dancing. He smells like the brownie he was eating on the plane, the last notes of his wooden perfume. He couldn’t even kiss him. He knows how to kiss him so well.

It’s been five months.

Shane moves away from his apartment and gets back to Long Island to stay with his family. He doesn’t want to stay in New York anymore. He doesn't’ feel like doing drag, or anything at all.  Drag Race has fucked him over again. Bringing the love of his life only to lose him. Just like that.

Ragga takes him to the walk to beach. The first time he accepts the invivation to leave the house. He talks to him about his life and how are the things in New York, he just nods and smiles, a shallow meaningless reaction. He is paler than ever and his beard never been this thick in more than twelve years. He really looks and feels homeless. His home is not there anymore.

He peers at the window with his forehead touching the glass, the sunlight almost hurting his already sore eyes. Ragga is listening to _Thinking of a Place_  by War Against Drugs and Shane is sinking into the song.

When they get to the beach they look at the ocean quietly. The sunset it's oddly colorful with splashes of orange and pink.

“I’m so used to you talking all the time I’m rusty in being the host of conversations” Ragga says after a long silent at staring at waves. 

Shane chuckles and sniffs. His allergies are getting worst.

“I feel like...I don’t have anything to say anymore...sorry. Dad used to day, that some are the melody, some are the beat. I feel beatless. I know it’s been months...I should... _I have_ to feel better somehow” he speaks and each world feels heavy on his tongue. 

“Oh you will, Thorg” he side hugs his friend and mother. 

Ragga nuzzles on her right cheek and whispers on his ear something that he can’t understand. Then he says again impatiently and the whisper sounds like an echo somehow.

“Wake up, bitch. You’ve watched _What Dreams May Come_ too many times.”

Shane sees the ocean melting like a stained painting in the movie.

“Waaaaake up….”

He hears the haunting voice of Anne Clark still reciting the lyrics from their last waltz.

 

*

Shane opens his eyes and feels the air coming back to his lungs so fast it hurts. His heart is pounding almost out of his throat. He checks where he is. He is in Long Island. For a second he panics thinking that it was all happening again.

He is the couch of his father’s house and he hears voices in the kitchen. His father. His sister. Her kids... _and Jamin’s laughter._

He takes a deep breath relieved. It all comes back to him.

Jamin fainted. They took him to the hospital. He was diagnosed with an ulcer that he’s been treating with medication and a lot of rest. Because he did fell from a couple of stairs and dislocated his shoulder. 

I guess that’s the price you have to pay for making your dream come true. The universe tries to kill your boyfriend.  He finds them and he is still shaky to the core with his dream. They are laughing and Jamin is having dinner with them, a clam chowder that only his dad knows how to make it.

“Okay let’s go to bed!” 

His sister rush the kids and she checks her brother’s lack of color.

“Are you okay? You seem like you saw a ghost” she asks laughing touching his forehead. 

Shane checks Jamin eating his soup. He is wearing an arm sling and a blue sweater, looking very much alive, his cheeks red from the hot soup and black curls all messy from the steam. He smiles to him and he takes a deep breath again, his eyes watering of relief. Jamin notices and reacts to it asking a silent what the hell is happening with his brows.

“Uncle Shane, do ghosts really exist?” his small niece asks. 

“No, they don’t” he replies absolutely sure of that. 

 

*

Shane waits for Jamin in the living room and he brings a bottle of wine.  Jamin was talking to Shane's father until late and now they are all upstairs and they can have some privacy.

“You have this funny look on your face since you woke up from your nap” he notices sitting by his side and Shane makes room for him and arranges the pillows to make sure he is comfortable. He takes the bottle and puts on the coffee table on front of the couch. He appreciates the gesture but he pulls Shane’s legs closer over his lap and he is all careful. “I’m not going to do die if you put your legs on my lap, Shane”

He is triggered by the word die again.

“I had this terrible, awful and vivid nightmare. You were dead.”

Jamin finally understands why his boyfriend looks so startled. He squeezes his thigh over the pajamas pants he is wearing. Shane removes his glasses and reaches to put them on the coffee table. He rubs them tired. Jamin is waiting for his banter.

“And I could feel all that guilt...because you told me about that pain. You’ve been complaining about that for weeks, but I was so absorbed with the Thorchestra I haven’t been paying attention…and there’s no excuse! It’s always like this, you know? I never pay attention enough and in one blink of an eye people I love are not here and-

Jamin reaches for him to cup his face and shut him up but stops his hands shaking his head negatively. 

“No, no, Listen. I’m here. If you need me I’m here. I know people feel like they can’t count on me but I’m here!” he reasures Jamin. He laughs. 

“I know. And this is not your fault. I’m a grown ass man and I could perfectly have gone to the doctor but I chose not to. It has nothing to do with you.”

“But if I was pressuring you to go-

Jamin raises his brows and scoffs in disbelief. The truth is they are both very stubborn. He knows him better. Shane gives up convinced and deep sighs exhausted of that whole thing.

“Let’s go to bed” he taps on his thigh but Shane doesn’t leave. He raises his brow and smirk now on his lips. He hops on carefully on Jamin and begins to plant kisses on him.

“I’m still so jumpy I need to relax…” he says working Jamin’s neck, nuzzling his nose like a cat smelling his owner again. He wraps Shane’s waist with his good arm but still very constrained with the arm sling. 

“Let’s go upstairs, I can arrange that” he invites while his hand caresses Shane’s warm skin under his shirt. Shane is nibbling on his ear and he checks the room. Anyone can come in anytime. “You’re taking advantage of an old man with a broken shoulder”

Shane hops out off him and kneels down putting his dreads up. Jamin knows very well what's about to happen so he widens his already big blue eyes behind the thick arrow glasses. These past weeks they have been sharing Shane’s old room and his single bed. They couldn’t do much because of Jamin’s state and those thin walls. And the fact that Shane’s family has no boundaries of privacy. 

“Shane, your niece and nephew could be right here and you don’t even know. They are very sneaky”

“Pff, I put them to sleep. They are far gone. Just chill” he places himself between his legs carresing his thighs all the way to his crotch. Jamin is still nervous. 

“We can do this upstairs” 

“I miss your big cock in my mouth, your taste...please” he confesses almost whining making Jamin that was fighting not to go down with this mess completely helpless. He turns the slut switch on and it's impossible to say no. _Fuck._

“ Jesus fucking Christ” he utters defeated. 

Shane laughs and helps him to drop down his sweatpants just enough so he could wrap his hands around his already bobbling cock, making Shane proud and happy. He touches him, stroking up and down the lenght and Jamin tries to lower himself to kiss Shane but his shoulder aches with a burning pain so Shane raises to kiss him laughing.

“This is going to be so sexy…” he grunts on Shane's lips ironically. Shane goes back to his kneeling position and licks his shaft gently, holding the base and closing his eyes in complete devotion.

“If someone comes in…” Shane says still pumping him and then finally taking it into his mouth, slowly and deliciously. He stops making a pop sound to think about a solution. Jamin is so turned on with the whole stimulation he can't even think. “Well”then he shrugs and and now sucks him with intention and pace going all the way in. 

Jamin lays back on the pillows of the couch arching his back. His shoulder blade hurts a little but he doesn’t care.The pain, pleasure and a adrenaline of getting caught is a terrific combination. He holds Shane’s head and moves his hips, and Shane moans louder struggling a bit more with his thrusts.

He stops to get some air and cleans the drool on the corner of his mouth.

"I love when you fuck my mouth like that" Shane smirks encouraging him to continue. Shane stands up and drops down his pants too and Jamin decides that he doesn’t care if he discolates the the other shoulder. He sits on the edge of the sofa and pulls Shane grabbing his ass and taking him in his mouth too.

Shane is finally letting go, relaxing, melting with the touch of his hands, Jamin controlling his hips, his fingers digging on his cheeks. Shane forgets about the early nightmare... He is complete again. Melody and the beat. He remembers the black couch. Jamin is there, making him come, so alive he can hear a whole symphony. 

 


End file.
